27 July, 2022.

The world is not the illusion.  I am the illusion.

First real day of meditation at the Vermont cottage.  Difficulty finding a spot to meditate in the midst of such natural beauty everywhere.  I want to push towards cross-legged meditation again, and for that I need a strong support to my back; at this stage at least, I cannot stay strongly upright while cross legged without leaning on something.  I came to a spot under the bedroom window, where I am able to take support from the exterior wall.  I gaze through a screen of trees to the lake.  That is, I would do so if my eyes were open; and for the first time in some weeks, the wish to open my eyes, to gaze / not gaze at the world while meditating, is not only strong but somehow just.  In fact in the course of my meditation I am often eyes closed and I am often eyes open.  I wonder if this is one of the ways I might move beyond emptiness and silent light, to a more engaged stillness.  The world did not distract me or disturb my meditation, because this place of great peace is itself a form of stillness.

            I arose in significant pain from the twenty minutes of sitting cross legged.  It was difficult even to leave the position in which I had meditated.  Eventually I was able to stand upright, and I began tottering about on the grass, as I have heard the monks do in the meditation hall after long periods in the lotus position.*  The pain is easing.  Perhaps this place will help me back to the more limber body I need if cross-legged meditation is to be my habit again.

            A woodpecker worked briefly on a dead tree trunk to my left.  I did not open my eyes to seek him, right to the end.  May I have?  I am still working on this.

* Kinhin—see Yasutani’s lectures on zazen in Kapleau (39-40).